When one door opens...

Part 1 - Check out this beautiful irony!

So I was recently debating the pros and cons of my job in order to decide whether or not I should stay or go.  The cons were heavy, lets just say that.  I also forgot two very large additions to the con list. 1) I have an anxiety disorder which causes panic attacks.  Said panic attacks are particularly threatening when I am overwhelmed by people (big crowds, the El, personal space invaders, etc...) so I am learning that being a host for a historic and famous Chicago Restaurant doesn't exactly pander to said anxiety disorder. This is a GIANT con. And 2) They've been promising to make me a server since the day they hired me and that has yet to happen, even though I've been reminding them repeatedly. With that promise in mind, they have hired 6 other servers since hiring me and one was hired as a host but he mostly serves. WTF (Those are not letters I often use but I feel they are necessary in this instance).

Now, all that being said, I decided to put in my two weeks notice (almost two weeks ago..), sadly once I finally summoned the courage to actually put in notice, my manager would not let me finish a sentence for almost a week.  Finally, on Saturday, October 23 (aka yesterday) I was able to actually say what I've been dying to do since about 3 weeks into working there (I've been there almost 7 months). I am done. I had a little panic attack in my mind as I was quitting about starving to death because I quit a job before getting a new one. I excitedly told one of my coworkers (who is also a friend) that I had finally done the dirty deed (of quitting, just to be clear) and she said that she thought that was great and that even though I didn't have another job yet sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do (and I did really have to do it). So she says to me "When one door closes another door opens" and that is really just so true.  At least for me.  I mean lets think about it. Out of a Mr. Wrong I was able to find my Mr. Right in his best friend (kinda awkward but whatever), out of realizing that I would rather direct than act after 4 years of school for acting I was able to realize that I want to be a teacher and help build theatre and arts programs in high schools where there aren't those opportunities and now I up and quit a job without having another job lined up and what happens??? I ALMOST IMMEDIATELY GET A FULL TIME JOB! So really all it took was me to just quit and say to hell with it, I will figure it out and suddenly my ducks line up for me. And all in the same day, AJ tells me that if he can't get a teaching position and he does decide to move, he would want me to come with him. All that damn worrying for nothing.  And I finally told him that I really want to be a teacher (I was afraid that he would think it was a bad idea) and he thought it was a good idea.  I guess I just needed to have some more faith. Karma has to pay off eventually right?

Patience is a virtue.... I guess I'm just not very virtuous

So supposedly good things come to those who wait, right? That's how the story goes at least (or proverb or moral or whatever). So where the hell are my good things? And AJ doesn't get to count anymore because I've had him for 14 months and now so I deserve a new good thing! Like a job that doesn't make me completely miserable. Seriously, I have been battling it out with myself for whether or not I might as well just put in my two weeks now and then light a fire under my ass to get any new job I can find that's actually in my area or at least something that's worth traveling for. Today while I was bored as hell at work I made a Pros and Cons list of whether or not I should stick it out at the Berg or just quit. Here is what I came up with:

Pros (for sticking it out):                                       

1- A regular paycheck (though it really isn't that regular because I don't get paid that well and the hours are horrible)                                     
2- There are some sort of cool people that I work with (sort of)

Cons (AKA the Pros in favor of quiting):
1- Getting harassed and disrespected by coworkers and managers
2- I'm super stressed out all the time because:
3- The Berg has not great pay and
4- Really shitty hours which makes it so
5- I never get to see any friends (or AJ)
6- Which brings me back to stress which
7- Is making me sick all the time
8- (Though that is also in part due to the wierd temperature of the Berghoff and all of the dust and mold that they do not clean)
9- Not to mention it's exhausting
10- Which doesn't help my knee problems
11- And really boring a lot of the time
12- It doesn't contribute to any sort of future plans
13- The owners and managers don't run it well and
14- They also don't give a crap about any of their employees (see #1)
15- I have to deal with Raul (also see #1)
16- And finally, getting there sucks when the pay, hours and stress level created by the job are so not worth the $2.25 fare

So what do I do? Does money really outweigh my basic human needs? HELP?!?!

It All Seems So Simple...

So I was talking to my little brother this morning. I have two, one is a junior in the fast track pre-med program at Kalamazoo College and the other is a freshman majoring in engineering at Western Michigan University.  Of the the three of us, I am clearly the stooge, but that's ohk because neither of them have an ounce of street smarts and common sense. So what I lack in logic and analytical schools I make up for in full in those areas (and I like to think I get special points for creativity, too). My little brothers have always basically been my rocks so it's been hard (on top of everything else that's been going on) not seeing my family at all but I barely talk to my brothers which feels horrible. I should be a support system for them while they are struggling through school (or dominating it, which is more likely), instead, I finally get to talk to my brother who just took his MCAT, is going to be in Mexico for Study Abroad for 4 months next semester and I haven't actually spoken to since JULY(!) and what do we talk about instead of his amazing experiences? We talk, well argue, really, about how pessimistic I am about things and about all the crap I'm going through. BLAH BLAH BLAH. Wow. I'm done. It took ruining a (rare) conversation with my brother for this to really set in but this is it. No more dammit. The negativity, the constant cynicism and the lack in self-worth, confidence, esteem (whatever other synonyms you can think of for it) are turning me into a narcissistic little whiny bitch and I have had it with myself. So yes, there's a lot of shit happening and it seems like there's not much of a bright spot in all of it but like the saying goes, when it rains it pours but eventually something will go my way and things will be ohk and I really need to remember that and hang on to that. I am going to be positive about my situation and that is my resolution, no it's more a revolution.  I am young, and in love, and very loved, and (almost) healthy and the world really is at my feet I just need to take hold of my own life and future and I can.

On another note, now that I've figured out that I want to be an educator I am left trying to figure out where (and how) I want to go about getting my Masters.  I had breakfast with a professor of mine and she told me about a position that opened up at RU that I want so incredibly badly and I'm actually qualified for it and I'd be awesome at it.  The problem is I have no idea how many people are applying for it, and although he's still going to write me one, Michael Lasswell, my mentor all through school is writing a reference for his friend (you may remember him as the older guy who would occasionally help out with paint crew) who is very creepy and simply rubs me the wrong way and I know that Heather McCowen will not hire him and Michael has to realize that and yet I'm the one getting the watered down reference. Boo. On the other hand, I'm an actual graduate from CCPA who has a real interest (and future) in education and I have a reference from Sean Kelley so I will hopefully at least get interviewed. We shall see. I want it so badly though, which worries me because I really have my hopes up and so far that hasn't gone well for me. Send me good thoughts? Please?

Ohhhh, so this is what whiplash feels like...

I am starting to give myself whiplash.  My emotions are so insanely out of whack right now, it is ridiculous. I was all terrified that AJ wants to leave me and stupid crap like that when really I should worry about that because of how crazy I am all the damn time! My god, what is wrong with me.  A guy who tells me that he thinks I'm beautiful even when I just woke up loves me, and that is that. Today he told me the sweetest thing any person has ever said to me and I believe him! Yesterday, I was scared he didn't really want to be with me.  BLECH!!!

I need to quit flipping switches like I'm bipolar like right now because I'm driving myself up a wall!

Bite Your Tongue!

I think I spoke too soon when I said love makes the bad things seem unimportant because the storm just keeps on coming.

I now have to worry about potentially losing the bright spot in my life because if he doesn't find the teaching position he's looking for next fall then he is going to move somewhere where he can find the job he's looking for. I don't know what to do with myself. He says he doesn't want to lose me and that it's an absolute last resort but something he doesn't realize is that if he just up and leaves me here (regardless of whether or not he wants to) I no longer have a good reason to stay in Chicago.  I'm very seriously struggling right now and a lot of that is for him.  The other day he told me that he loves getting to take care of me and he asked me where I would be without him and I laughed and said back in Michigan, living at home and we were laughing but I was serious and he knows that.  He said that he couldn't have that and kissed me on my forehead. So now I am just a tad confused. He's willing to go out of his way to keep me here with him but then he tells me that he is considering moving away if he doesn't find his ideal job and I am kinda boggled by this. I don't know what to think or how to feel.  I know he loves me and doesn't want to lose me but I don't know what that means anymore.

On top of this, I had surgery on my toe this morning and had to miss yet another day of work (I have been not so well health wise lately and I have missed a couple days) and I am kinda terrified of no longer having a job at all.  I have been desperately trying to find a different job but I'd rather be miserable and at the bottom line be at the very least employed (even if it's a job that makes me miserable).

Also, my stupid foot hurts. What the Hell?