Time for an overhaul.

I keep finding myself in crossroads type situations and I'm starting to think that that is all life is really made of. I feel lost a lot of the time and I have no idea what I am doing with my life or where it is going and every time I sit down and try to have a serious conversation with myself about my future, I get way ahead of myself and wind up incredibly overwhelmed to the point of panic. This is particularly bad for someone still dealing with PTSD induced anxiety. So I have come to the conclusion that there are certain concerns I have that I need to let go of in order to allow myself to deal with the actually important things.

I feel like I keep attempting to make this some kind of awful workout blog and it's just not working. That said, I'm done with it. Talking about getting fit and staying fit and eating right and blah blah blah is getting old. I am healthy. I walk 8 miles a day, I eat pretty well for the most part and I work out when I feel like it. I don't need to write about my "struggles" with my body and staying fit because it has dawned on me that I don't actually have any. I am proud of my body and I am comfortable in my own skin, or at least I am most of the time. And that is OK, every one gets a little insecure some days. That's just part of life. Oh well, time to get over it and be happy with the life that you have. And you know what makes people happy? I'll give you a hint, it isn't eating salads with no dressing. Delicious food makes people happy. Being outside on a gorgeous fall day makes people happy. So does a good book or movie or trip to the farmers market. Making yourself miserable, thinking that you will be happy once you reach an imaginary weight goal won't make you happy. It'll make you grumpy. Because you're hungry. There is nothing wrong with being skinny, or buff or curvy or whatever. Everyone is beautiful and as long as you are making sure your soul is happy then there isn't a problem. For me this means that I have let go of the idea that I should have a perfectly flat tummy like I did in high school and most of college. Even when I did, I wasn't happy about myself, so letting that idea go is relieving. It's one less thing to worry about because lets face it, I'm enough of a neurotic mess without worrying about being fit enough.

So, I vow to never again turn this into a pathetic attempt to keep track of workouts or diet or try to inspire myself with ridiculously fit looking people and stupid quotes about staying strong and not giving up. They aren't actually stupid quotes when you use them in the right context but when you make them about getting fit they turn into a source of anxiety. Not helpful. They say that working out gives you endorphins and makes you happy and that can be true but when you are too busy worrying about your next workout to do something that you actually enjoy doing then you're actually hindering yourself. So I'm taking a new view on it; if I workout that's fine, if I don't, oh well and if I eat a donut or a brownie, good for me because I like sweets and eating sweets makes me happy, not sad. This is probably a stupid revelation but the process of writing it out, however sloppy, has eased my mind. I feel free (or freer, if that's a word).

I guess now that that's off my back, I should get to the point. I'm going to turn this into being more about actual life. Things that are funny or inspiring or both. Things that aren't superficial, not that taking care of your body is entirely superficial, it's important too but part of that (for me) needs to be the ability to eat some chips and salsa or cake without feeling guilty about it. So that's that. This is now someplace for me to share my ideas, hopes, funny stories or unfortunate events on days when that's just how it is.

Promises only work if actually keep them...

Oy Vey. I was doing really well, working out everyday, eating right, all that crap and then last Wednesday, one of the boys I sit for gets sick and stays home from school that day as well as Thursday and I end up not working out because I'm gone from 6am till 7pm and I basically just want to go to bed when I get home, then by Friday I am so exhausted that I end up coming home from work in the morning and basically napping until I have to go back so at this point I've done diddly squat since Tuesday (which was actually a really good day). After doing a baby sized workout on Saturday morning, I went to my boyfriends' place for Memorial Day weekend with every intention to take full advantage of the gym in his apartment complex, sadly I was distracted by laziness, ice cream and sex and since then I have been eating like crap and today will be the first day in my return to my workout schedule. I know I need to stick to it because once the boys are done with school on Friday, I'm not going to have the majority of the day to waste before finally getting to my workout right before showering and heading to work and I want to keep it up because I was finally starting to see some changes and I want to keep it up. I really need to just buckle down and do it to it.

It hurts so good.

I think this is a first for me, I worked out anyway despite being miserably sore from the day before, and it didn't suck. In fact, it made me feel awesome. Progress feels good and even if I can't actually see any progress on my body yet despite having been keeping up a fairly regular workout and healthy eating regime for about February, I know it's there. That said, I think that my biggest problem is that I tend to spend a good portion of my day sitting and looking at fitness stuff on Pintrest and then I watch a bunch of Jenna Marbles videos and then I finally start working out, when I could have started working out at the beginning of the day and then doing the silly crap afterward. I will certainly try to work on it. So far, very good week. Going through some weird emotional stuff so it's definitely making me feel better.

Back in the Saddle

So it has been a really long time since I have posted but I wanted to start back up again. I am going to continue to use this as a personal fitness and health "diary" of sorts, keeping track of my progress, confessing my failures, expressing my concerns and complaints, etc... as well as a place for motivation. I will also probably be posting silly things from time to time that deal with the things that I get geeked out about as well as some more serious things about the world that are close to my heart. Possibly a few feminist rants will be thrown in, we'll just have to wait and see.

For today, I just wanted to say I'm back. I have been working out and eating right (relatively) for the passed couple months and I am excited to be back to feeling healthier. Since last summer I sort of let myself fall apart a little bit. I was starting to feel pretty depressed around February and then it dawned on me that I wasn't taking good care of myself. I feel the need to declare that I do not want to be fit and healthy because I crave being skinny or have bad ideas about my body. I am confidant in my body and I firmly believe that all woman of all shapes and sizes are beautiful and that beauty comes from happiness and confidence. I love being a little curvy, this isn't about losing weight or being skinny, it's about being happy and healthy. When I work out and eat right, I feel really good from the inside out, and I love that feeling. So that is why I do this. I have had a lot of struggles with depression and anxiety and being fit and active really helps.

The one problem with working out that I have the most is that everyday, once I get started with a workout, I genuinely enjoy it and I have fun and I want to keep going but every day I somehow forget that feeling beforehand and spend at least an hour procrastinating and avoiding geting started (today, I have accomplished this by writing this post). I wish I knew how to quit doing that.

Some silly motivation for that day: