I keep finding myself in crossroads type situations and I'm starting to think that that is all life is really made of. I feel lost a lot of the time and I have no idea what I am doing with my life or where it is going and every time I sit down and try to have a serious conversation with myself about my future, I get way ahead of myself and wind up incredibly overwhelmed to the point of panic. This is particularly bad for someone still dealing with PTSD induced anxiety. So I have come to the conclusion that there are certain concerns I have that I need to let go of in order to allow myself to deal with the actually important things.
I feel like I keep attempting to make this some kind of awful workout blog and it's just not working. That said, I'm done with it. Talking about getting fit and staying fit and eating right and blah blah blah is getting old. I am healthy. I walk 8 miles a day, I eat pretty well for the most part and I work out when I feel like it. I don't need to write about my "struggles" with my body and staying fit because it has dawned on me that I don't actually have any. I am proud of my body and I am comfortable in my own skin, or at least I am most of the time. And that is OK, every one gets a little insecure some days. That's just part of life. Oh well, time to get over it and be happy with the life that you have. And you know what makes people happy? I'll give you a hint, it isn't eating salads with no dressing. Delicious food makes people happy. Being outside on a gorgeous fall day makes people happy. So does a good book or movie or trip to the farmers market. Making yourself miserable, thinking that you will be happy once you reach an imaginary weight goal won't make you happy. It'll make you grumpy. Because you're hungry. There is nothing wrong with being skinny, or buff or curvy or whatever. Everyone is beautiful and as long as you are making sure your soul is happy then there isn't a problem. For me this means that I have let go of the idea that I should have a perfectly flat tummy like I did in high school and most of college. Even when I did, I wasn't happy about myself, so letting that idea go is relieving. It's one less thing to worry about because lets face it, I'm enough of a neurotic mess without worrying about being fit enough.
So, I vow to never again turn this into a pathetic attempt to keep track of workouts or diet or try to inspire myself with ridiculously fit looking people and stupid quotes about staying strong and not giving up. They aren't actually stupid quotes when you use them in the right context but when you make them about getting fit they turn into a source of anxiety. Not helpful. They say that working out gives you endorphins and makes you happy and that can be true but when you are too busy worrying about your next workout to do something that you actually enjoy doing then you're actually hindering yourself. So I'm taking a new view on it; if I workout that's fine, if I don't, oh well and if I eat a donut or a brownie, good for me because I like sweets and eating sweets makes me happy, not sad. This is probably a stupid revelation but the process of writing it out, however sloppy, has eased my mind. I feel free (or freer, if that's a word).
I guess now that that's off my back, I should get to the point. I'm going to turn this into being more about actual life. Things that are funny or inspiring or both. Things that aren't superficial, not that taking care of your body is entirely superficial, it's important too but part of that (for me) needs to be the ability to eat some chips and salsa or cake without feeling guilty about it. So that's that. This is now someplace for me to share my ideas, hopes, funny stories or unfortunate events on days when that's just how it is.
