How to hurt yourself without even trying

Calling me accident prone would be a vast understatement.  My dad likes to joke that instead of being an accident waiting to happen I'm just a full on catastrophe in progress.  If it's possible to fall up, down, off through or into (or any other direction you can fathom) something, I'm your girl. It's really quite pathetic, I'll be it, highly entertaining to viewers, I'm sure but still entirely pitiful.  The odd thing is that I've never had a cast. Not one.  I've broken every one of my fingers, several toes on multiple occasions, my tailbone twice, a couple bones in my hand, my left collarbone, 3 ribs on my right side and 4 on my left, fractured my wrist and I've cracked my right orbital as well as my skull.  That is almost thirty bones (including fingers and toes but not including repeat breaks, and there have been plenty of those). That's a lot of breaks. I've also gotten stitches on more occasions than I can even remember, and made many a trip to the ER for various other obscure injuries (e.g. I had an eye-patch for 6 weeks when I was for because I scratched a chunk out of my cornea while jumping on my parents bed and I got second and third degree burns on my hands when I reached into a fire as a one year old).  Basically, I'm kind of an idiot, or you could look at it like I'm fearless but really they're kinda the same thing.

Apparently this clumsiness doesn't just apply to bone-breaking and skin marring either, I think it applies to my real life as well. Growing up I thought that having a new best friend every couple months or so was normal. It didn't occur to me that people had the kind of best friend relationships that actually started when they were really little and lasted for years (maybe forever) until I started making good friends with people who already had their "person". I have no person because anyone who could have turned into my person when I was young moved away and I barely talked to them (if at all) after that. But by high school, the customary BFF move evolved from them leaving the state after getting close to me to just plain abandonment. The people I thought I was creating life long friendships with stopped moving away and instead would just change their mind about me somewhere along the way and with no explanation of any kind we were just magically not friends anymore.  I was left to conclude either that they were all crazy people who kept finding me only to hurt me intentionally or I was doing something wrong. Being a teenage girl, who was already insecure, I came to the conclusion that it must be my fault.  Honestly, I'm still not sure and I'm still not very trusting.  SO I find a best friend who is really genuine and we graduate college and low and behold my best friend moves away.  Maybe best friends are just not meant to be mine or if they are they are always going to be kept at a distance.

BUT through all of this, I did find people I trust and love in college and even if I feel alone now because they aren't in the same place as I am, I know that distance can't touch the friendship if it's true.  You know who you are. Thanks for making me believe.

But maybe I'm wrong and I just have bad luck all around.  Oh well.

Of course I could just take my own advice and just live my life and stop analyzing things haha.

Promises

I realized the other day, while walking to work that I spent the majority of my life thus far trying to figure out who I am, and when I'm not trying to figure out who I am, I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.  I have a tattoo on my back that's a quote from Peter Pan that reads, "To die would be an awful big adventure". When you have the where-with-all to actually put a tattoo on your body with that kind of nature you should probably not waste your life thinking about what you want and who you are and just figure it all out as you live it.  The sad part about all this is that I realized this while listening to a Kesha song....

Writer's Block

So since graduating last May with my BFA in Theatre, I have discovered that I don't want to act.  I thought I wanted to be a Casting Director but as it turns out, not so much, then I thought I wanted to be an Event Planner (still a thought) but once again, not so much then I decided I wanted to get involved in running an art gallery, and again, not so much so I decided I should go back and get my Masters in something, probably teaching. Now I'm once again not so sure.  I keep going back to the idea of running some kind of cafe that involves art, music, theatre and books but that's all I know. I have no real plan. I have no idea how I want to spent my life anymore. That is incredibly daunting.

At the same time that I am totally lost as far as what I want to do with my life, I have pretty much been non-stop writing.  Unfortunately, I can't seem to find a path to stay on with my writing either.  One thing I'm writing is kinda sarcastic and funny and a little romantic in an awkward way (about not being able to sustain any kind of relationship blah blah blah), something else is really dark and about sexual abuse, then I'm writing a fictional historical thriller about H.H. Holmes' murder castle from the point of view of one of his female victims and the point of view of a detective trying to find a girl that went missing at the Columbian Exposition.  Most writers who end up with a successful story have some kind of through line in their stories.  Not just with one single story but in all of them.  When you think J.K Rowling you think Harry Potter, when you think James Patterson, you think of Alex Cross.  I'm passionate about everything I'm writing but everything I write has such a different tone, I feel like I'm breaking some kind of code.  Haha I guess I'll just wait and see what I can finish first.

The Last Day!

Today is my last day at my awful job and as of tomorrow I will officially be a full time nanny! HOORAY!!!

So in other news, I hate the month of November. Not because it's when it starts to get legitimately cold (I like that part and I still love that it's fall) but because Halloween is over but it's too early to get excited about Christmas (at least not legitimately) even though all the stores are already Christmastimed out.  So my question is when does it become ohk to be excited about Christmas, watch the movies, decorate go Christmas shopping, etc??? Do I really have to wait until Thanksgiving is over and just watch movies in secret or am I allowed to get into it in the Holiday spirit before that?

Wow I am a dork.

When one door opens...

Part 1 - Check out this beautiful irony!

So I was recently debating the pros and cons of my job in order to decide whether or not I should stay or go.  The cons were heavy, lets just say that.  I also forgot two very large additions to the con list. 1) I have an anxiety disorder which causes panic attacks.  Said panic attacks are particularly threatening when I am overwhelmed by people (big crowds, the El, personal space invaders, etc...) so I am learning that being a host for a historic and famous Chicago Restaurant doesn't exactly pander to said anxiety disorder. This is a GIANT con. And 2) They've been promising to make me a server since the day they hired me and that has yet to happen, even though I've been reminding them repeatedly. With that promise in mind, they have hired 6 other servers since hiring me and one was hired as a host but he mostly serves. WTF (Those are not letters I often use but I feel they are necessary in this instance).

Now, all that being said, I decided to put in my two weeks notice (almost two weeks ago..), sadly once I finally summoned the courage to actually put in notice, my manager would not let me finish a sentence for almost a week.  Finally, on Saturday, October 23 (aka yesterday) I was able to actually say what I've been dying to do since about 3 weeks into working there (I've been there almost 7 months). I am done. I had a little panic attack in my mind as I was quitting about starving to death because I quit a job before getting a new one. I excitedly told one of my coworkers (who is also a friend) that I had finally done the dirty deed (of quitting, just to be clear) and she said that she thought that was great and that even though I didn't have another job yet sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do (and I did really have to do it). So she says to me "When one door closes another door opens" and that is really just so true.  At least for me.  I mean lets think about it. Out of a Mr. Wrong I was able to find my Mr. Right in his best friend (kinda awkward but whatever), out of realizing that I would rather direct than act after 4 years of school for acting I was able to realize that I want to be a teacher and help build theatre and arts programs in high schools where there aren't those opportunities and now I up and quit a job without having another job lined up and what happens??? I ALMOST IMMEDIATELY GET A FULL TIME JOB! So really all it took was me to just quit and say to hell with it, I will figure it out and suddenly my ducks line up for me. And all in the same day, AJ tells me that if he can't get a teaching position and he does decide to move, he would want me to come with him. All that damn worrying for nothing.  And I finally told him that I really want to be a teacher (I was afraid that he would think it was a bad idea) and he thought it was a good idea.  I guess I just needed to have some more faith. Karma has to pay off eventually right?

Patience is a virtue.... I guess I'm just not very virtuous

So supposedly good things come to those who wait, right? That's how the story goes at least (or proverb or moral or whatever). So where the hell are my good things? And AJ doesn't get to count anymore because I've had him for 14 months and now so I deserve a new good thing! Like a job that doesn't make me completely miserable. Seriously, I have been battling it out with myself for whether or not I might as well just put in my two weeks now and then light a fire under my ass to get any new job I can find that's actually in my area or at least something that's worth traveling for. Today while I was bored as hell at work I made a Pros and Cons list of whether or not I should stick it out at the Berg or just quit. Here is what I came up with:

Pros (for sticking it out):                                       

1- A regular paycheck (though it really isn't that regular because I don't get paid that well and the hours are horrible)                                     
2- There are some sort of cool people that I work with (sort of)

Cons (AKA the Pros in favor of quiting):
1- Getting harassed and disrespected by coworkers and managers
2- I'm super stressed out all the time because:
3- The Berg has not great pay and
4- Really shitty hours which makes it so
5- I never get to see any friends (or AJ)
6- Which brings me back to stress which
7- Is making me sick all the time
8- (Though that is also in part due to the wierd temperature of the Berghoff and all of the dust and mold that they do not clean)
9- Not to mention it's exhausting
10- Which doesn't help my knee problems
11- And really boring a lot of the time
12- It doesn't contribute to any sort of future plans
13- The owners and managers don't run it well and
14- They also don't give a crap about any of their employees (see #1)
15- I have to deal with Raul (also see #1)
16- And finally, getting there sucks when the pay, hours and stress level created by the job are so not worth the $2.25 fare

So what do I do? Does money really outweigh my basic human needs? HELP?!?!

It All Seems So Simple...

So I was talking to my little brother this morning. I have two, one is a junior in the fast track pre-med program at Kalamazoo College and the other is a freshman majoring in engineering at Western Michigan University.  Of the the three of us, I am clearly the stooge, but that's ohk because neither of them have an ounce of street smarts and common sense. So what I lack in logic and analytical schools I make up for in full in those areas (and I like to think I get special points for creativity, too). My little brothers have always basically been my rocks so it's been hard (on top of everything else that's been going on) not seeing my family at all but I barely talk to my brothers which feels horrible. I should be a support system for them while they are struggling through school (or dominating it, which is more likely), instead, I finally get to talk to my brother who just took his MCAT, is going to be in Mexico for Study Abroad for 4 months next semester and I haven't actually spoken to since JULY(!) and what do we talk about instead of his amazing experiences? We talk, well argue, really, about how pessimistic I am about things and about all the crap I'm going through. BLAH BLAH BLAH. Wow. I'm done. It took ruining a (rare) conversation with my brother for this to really set in but this is it. No more dammit. The negativity, the constant cynicism and the lack in self-worth, confidence, esteem (whatever other synonyms you can think of for it) are turning me into a narcissistic little whiny bitch and I have had it with myself. So yes, there's a lot of shit happening and it seems like there's not much of a bright spot in all of it but like the saying goes, when it rains it pours but eventually something will go my way and things will be ohk and I really need to remember that and hang on to that. I am going to be positive about my situation and that is my resolution, no it's more a revolution.  I am young, and in love, and very loved, and (almost) healthy and the world really is at my feet I just need to take hold of my own life and future and I can.

On another note, now that I've figured out that I want to be an educator I am left trying to figure out where (and how) I want to go about getting my Masters.  I had breakfast with a professor of mine and she told me about a position that opened up at RU that I want so incredibly badly and I'm actually qualified for it and I'd be awesome at it.  The problem is I have no idea how many people are applying for it, and although he's still going to write me one, Michael Lasswell, my mentor all through school is writing a reference for his friend (you may remember him as the older guy who would occasionally help out with paint crew) who is very creepy and simply rubs me the wrong way and I know that Heather McCowen will not hire him and Michael has to realize that and yet I'm the one getting the watered down reference. Boo. On the other hand, I'm an actual graduate from CCPA who has a real interest (and future) in education and I have a reference from Sean Kelley so I will hopefully at least get interviewed. We shall see. I want it so badly though, which worries me because I really have my hopes up and so far that hasn't gone well for me. Send me good thoughts? Please?

Ohhhh, so this is what whiplash feels like...

I am starting to give myself whiplash.  My emotions are so insanely out of whack right now, it is ridiculous. I was all terrified that AJ wants to leave me and stupid crap like that when really I should worry about that because of how crazy I am all the damn time! My god, what is wrong with me.  A guy who tells me that he thinks I'm beautiful even when I just woke up loves me, and that is that. Today he told me the sweetest thing any person has ever said to me and I believe him! Yesterday, I was scared he didn't really want to be with me.  BLECH!!!

I need to quit flipping switches like I'm bipolar like right now because I'm driving myself up a wall!

Bite Your Tongue!

I think I spoke too soon when I said love makes the bad things seem unimportant because the storm just keeps on coming.

I now have to worry about potentially losing the bright spot in my life because if he doesn't find the teaching position he's looking for next fall then he is going to move somewhere where he can find the job he's looking for. I don't know what to do with myself. He says he doesn't want to lose me and that it's an absolute last resort but something he doesn't realize is that if he just up and leaves me here (regardless of whether or not he wants to) I no longer have a good reason to stay in Chicago.  I'm very seriously struggling right now and a lot of that is for him.  The other day he told me that he loves getting to take care of me and he asked me where I would be without him and I laughed and said back in Michigan, living at home and we were laughing but I was serious and he knows that.  He said that he couldn't have that and kissed me on my forehead. So now I am just a tad confused. He's willing to go out of his way to keep me here with him but then he tells me that he is considering moving away if he doesn't find his ideal job and I am kinda boggled by this. I don't know what to think or how to feel.  I know he loves me and doesn't want to lose me but I don't know what that means anymore.

On top of this, I had surgery on my toe this morning and had to miss yet another day of work (I have been not so well health wise lately and I have missed a couple days) and I am kinda terrified of no longer having a job at all.  I have been desperately trying to find a different job but I'd rather be miserable and at the bottom line be at the very least employed (even if it's a job that makes me miserable).

Also, my stupid foot hurts. What the Hell?

Let the Sun Shine in...

So as crazy screwed up and messy as my life may be right now, there is a very bright light that floods my life.  In case you were wondering, no, I did not find god and get all religious.  However, something almost just as unlikely is the cause of my love for life regardless of financial failure, a complete loss of any idea of what I want my career to be, confusion about what I believe in, fights with my family and the most unhealthy months of my life.

I am in love, and I am loved. 

The guy makes me feel like no matter what things will be ohk.  Stupidly, I still manage to feel a little uncomfortable with the realization that I rely on him, but since I've always been independent and essentially lonely I guess it's to be expected.  It's scary to think that right now, without him I honestly don't know what I would do.  Needing someone is possibly the scariest thing I've ever been through, even with the idea that I have no future looming over my head.

A coworker of mine told me the other day that just to have a guy who wants to be there for you and support you and take care of you is amazing and that through all my fear I should remember that the most important thing is what a rare thing it is to have someone like him. I thought that was a beautiful thing she said and it resonated for me, so I guess that helped me let go of my doubt and my stubborn attitude toward being taken care of. 

Now all the bad things seem sort of minor (even though most of it isn't) and suddenly everything seems easier to take in because when I talk to him about what I'm going through he talks about how "we" will get through it. 

That is an amazing feeling.  Terrifying, but amazing.


 "A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave." - Gandhi

Keep on dreamin'

A lot of people have the problem that their parents won't or can't get behind what they want in life and they struggle to make their parents believe in them and what they are doing. On the other hand, my parents may believe in me too much. I always thought how lucky am I to have parents that are so supportive and proud to have me as a child, but now I'm questioning that. Maybe their support gave me too much reign to follow whatever dream I had at the time not what my true dream was or maybe they weren't honest with me because they had to see how indecisive I was. 

I didn't decide on what I went to school for until halfway through my senior year of high school and chose something with no wiggle room to study other things while I was in school.  Before I decided "Oh, I know, I'll just be an actor", I thought I wanted to go to school for Photography and/or art history and before that it was interior design and I've always wanted to study archeology. At one point I wanted to be a homicide detective and an event planner and a writer or an illustrator.  Now that I have graduated from an extremely focused and defined program for acting, I have no idea what I want to do anymore and all of these old ideas of things I wanted to accomplish are rushing back into my current dreams.

So now what? with the economy that I got the privilege to graduate into, I don't exactly have the option to just test things out until I find the right one because it's such a challenge to get any kind of job.

On a (much) lighter note..

So I've been writing a lot lately. Not here so much, but just in general. And I must say, I like it. However, I keep getting part way through a storyline and then starting a new one, much like when I paint or try to knit things or attempt to figure out what I want to do with my life... Whoops.

So maybe I just need to start finishing some of the littler things I start and move up from there?

Life as you know it... sorta

So I've come to a conclusion. I sorta know what I want to do with my life, which is pretty cool I guess.  I want to run an art gallery some day. That or I want to go to school for Broadcasting. Either way I probably have to go back to school, and I have no means to do that so I guess that I'm going to have to keep trying to find a job that makes it so I can support myself and hopefully save some money. 

Here's hoping I guess, I mean in the past three months I've sent out over 300 cover letters and resumes and I have gotten two responses. TWO. The first was for a job that turned out to be so part time that I'd have to keep the job I currently have, so that would defeat the purpose anyway.  The second might work out, it's being a nanny and I'm good at that but the only work experience that gives me is for more nannying which isn't something I want to make a career of.  At least it's money?

I don't know. 

I can't decide whether I'd rather scrimp and starve and try and go back to school or if I just try to scrimp and starve and work at a job I hate. I hate not having my independence. Nothing is worse. I can barely take care of myself. actually scratch that, I can't take care of myself, mostly my boyfriend just takes care of me.

I have never been so lost or for that matter, I've never been so disappointed in myself before, I can't even begin to imagine how my parents must feel. Well shit, maybe I'm just screwed.

Well that was depressing. Cheers.

Well here goes nothing...

So I created this blog almost a month ago and I have yet to actually write any posts. Partly because I wasn't sure where I was going with this and partly because I kept meaning to write things but then forgot and did something else instead. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that the forgetting or getting distracted is going to happen a lot.

Anyway, I'm Jane and I'm pretty much a big hot mess most of the time so I thought that I'd write about it.

So here's my question, I graduated, so now what?  Don't tell my mom or she'd actually (and I mean this with all seriousness) kill me, not that I could really blame her, but I don't think I want to be an actor.  A big part of the reason I don't want to act anymore is that the schedule sucks and I don't want to spend my life working in a restaurant but really it's that even though actually being on stage and performing or being in front of the camera acting is awesome (sometimes), mostly it just makes me a crazy person.  It just hurts too much to be on an emotional roller coaster all the time, so I've decided that I'm done. Potentially a very stupid decision but plenty of people end up with careers doing things they didn't go to school for, right? Or at least that's what my boyfriend keeps telling me. I'm not all that sure I believe him though. 

I guess I have a lot of thinking to do about what I want my future to be...