The Last of Days...

So I've been doing a LOT of reading (and writing though obviously not here) lately and many of the novels I've been reading have had a very doomed atmosphere to them.  I love that. When a story can just envelope you and suddenly it's as if you can hear and smell and feel all of the things that the characters are. That is what makes the written word so magical.

The dooming effect the novels seem to have made me think about how many stories there are about various versions of an apocalypse. Between the zombie tales and the alien invasions and the idea of 2012, there are so many ways the world could blow up in our faces (possibly literally) but it really makes you wonder a little. Say there really is some kind of gigantic disaster and the world as we know it becomes something strange and devastated and new, who would actually make it.  Somehow if all of a sudden we lived in a world where we were back to the basics and hunting and gathering, fighting for survival, I can't imagine that the people who fight natural human behavior and instinct would make it very far. Just a thought.

Looking on the bright side

Life is a circle.  You begin, naked, wet and unable to say what you want and need, then you end the same way.  Maybe they're really the same thing, in a way. I think that might be a nice way to look at something that seems so sad.

The real tricky part is the middle. After you learn to walk, talk and feed yourself, that's when the real trouble starts. Once you're on your own two feet, you are constantly being knocked back down.  I really do believe that the struggles in life are what bring out people's strengths, everyone should have to fight a little for their lives but I think there's a line somewhere where adversity stops making us stronger and starts to diminish our spirit.  They say when it rains it pours but what really happens, is trouble sneaks up on you once things are finally going your way and bites you in the ass to remind you that it's always around the corner.  So once it gets you, you have two choices, you can a)wallow in your misery and potentially make things worse for your self or b)think about the good things that could come out of the problem and find a way to stay positive and then be sad about it anyway when you're alone.

Liar Liar Pants on Fire...

I've discovered my problem with finishing stories I start writing. Well really I have two problems. Firstly, I realized, or remembered really, that I'm terrible at telling stories when they're true, unless they involve me injuring myself in some way or getting called a slut (which is more than a little injuring).  I do all my best storytelling when I'm telling outright lies, or when I'm reiterating stories about particularly epic lies I've told. Most of these stories and lies come from my childhood. So this brings me to my next problem which is that I can't figure out how to end most of my stories (the written ones that is), which I think is because they're too personal and mostly actually about real events and since my life hasn't ended, I can't imagine endings to my stories.  Therefore, I think I ought to stick to writing things that are fictional, or at least mostly fictional and things will work out a bit better. That strategy seems to be working better for me so far.

Everyone loved "Mean Girls"

I read an article in Allure Magazine the other day about Eva Mendes (I learned later that the magazine was from last August so that put a dent in my plan to write an angry letter to the magazine but that's sort of besides the point). I would first like to say that I'm one of those people who almost never actually read the articles about the celebrities in those magazines, I really just don't care very much how you ended up having a perfect body and amazing lifestyle. That being said, I was flipping through the magazine when I came across the article and something quite literally stood out on the page.  Magazines always put big block quotes amid their articles to draw you in and usually I just read their little highlights before moving on but this made me read the whole article (whilst fuming to myself).  In big pink letters, right next to a photo of Eva Mendes with her cheer team (or poms or whatever you call it) from high school, it read, "You know those girls who say they don't have many girlfriends? I always say 'run for the hills when you hear that.'" I was appalled. So I read the entire article hoping that it may have just been taken out of context or some sort of misunderstanding but no, Eva Mendes killed any respect I had for her.  If you were a popular girl in high school then you have no right to make comments like that. Unless you've been in that position then just keep your mouth shut. You don't know what you're talking about.  It's assumptions like that that make life for girls who have trouble making or keeping friends even harder.


I unfortunately have to admit that I love watching "The Real World", it's my dirty little habit. This season, they are back in Las Vegas. So to catch you up, one of the characters has already been kicked off (after 6 episodes), but what can you expect from someone who spent a bunch of time in Juvey (Juvie?). So they bring in a new girl (instead of a guy) and just that throws off life for the other three girls (oh no, competition for attention), but one of the first things she does is make a joke about breaking up the house couple because she thinks the guy is hot, which immediately makes all the girls hate her, whoops. Not only that but she happens to get alone better with the guys because she's super into sports, so the other girls just assume that she's all up in their territory or whatever and they get so ridiculously defensive that they basically just assault this poor girl while she's sleeping (after they already got in her face at a bar earlier in the night).  If I had been the girl, heads would have been rolling but this girl basically just sits there and takes it with a comical look on her face. I wish I could be as gracious as that.  As for the other cunts in the house, they are the reason that women get a bad name.  LAME.

You remember when "Mean Girls" first came out and you were like "OMG, that is so totally true, girls are so bad to each other, Tina Fey is brilliant for finally saying it out loud!"

So what, because it was just comically poignant it didn't stick? It's like that retarded "Save the Planet" commercial where there's a running faucet and no one actually bothers to turn it off they just stand around commenting about how terrible it is.
 
I'm not actually sure how this problem can be solved with women, but we can't just keep watching and commenting. And yes, I realize how hypocritical that sounds seeing as I am also just commenting, but I really hope that some day girls can stand together rather than apart.  If the suffragettes could stand against the injustice of the law then we should be able to find a way to stand up for ourselves and stop the emotional (and irrational) terrorism between each other

Once upon a time...

We were all in middle school (or junior high if you're weird) and it sucked.

For everyone.

Even the kids that were (or would be in high school) the "cool" kids had it rough. Maybe not as rough as some but it was still an awkward time in their lives too. At least the principal didn't call me out in front of the entire school, like the "popular" girl I was in the same class as.  They were changing the dress code to try to prevent us from becoming sexually aware prematurely (yet somehow despite all of the desperate attempts of our elders to keep us in the dark, now kids are having sex by nine years old), so our principal made an announcement at lunch.  He did so by very nicely asking said classmate to stand up and do a little twirl for everyone, then he asked if we all got a good look, then said, "What Blahblah is wearing is entirely inappropriate for school and she and any other girl wearing anything that I deem inappropriate from here on out will be given a referral -- (our school's version of detention) --  then sent to the office and provided new clothes from the lost and found, or she will be sent home." Poor girl.  She just got humiliated in front of the entire school just for wearing a spaghetti strap tank top. Lame, Mr. Principal, very lame.

I think that kids should all just get a giant Get-Out-of-Jail-Free Card that lasts for the three miserable years we have to go through during middle school. Or we should all have our memories wiped on the first day of our freshman year of high school.  Either way, none of us deserve the torment of middle school (well maybe the shitheads that turn into the assholes of high school deserve it a little, but only if they would've turned out that way anyway).

It's one giant shit storm.

All the bad crap happens at once, growth spurts, squeaky voices, giant noses, boobs (or lack there of), random boners, acne, first periods, feelings toward the opposite sex (or same sex, whichever floats your boat) that seem so dire you lose all other focus on anything, and of course the relentless need to fit in sets in (did that exist before middle school? I really can't remember) and with it a constant feeling of insecurity.

Yea, that sounds like real fun to me...

I think that it may be very possible that God or whatever otherworldly force you believe in) just has a really sick sense of humor.

For when everything is not ohk.

I had a really truly wonderful childhood. My parents love me unconditionally and they really believe in me, not the average parents telling their kids they can do anything bit, they really truly believe that I can do or be anything I want to, which incidentally makes me feel perpetually disappointed in myself for not being anything great.  I had (and still have) a great relationship with my brothers.  The point is, I was loved and supported and well-fed and I am incredibly grateful for that but for some reason I am selfish enough for that not to be enough.

I regularly hate myself.  Mostly for no reason, or when there is a reason it's extremely dumb. I lie all of the time, about really stupid, pointless things, like what food I eat and my favorite color. I play conversations that I had weeks, months and years ago out in my mind repeatedly and try to think of ways I could have made them better or mean more. I don't know why. Even in moments, there's what's really going on and being said and then there's the things that are happening and being said in my mind, reality and my fabrications of what I wish the reality were rarely and almost never align, and when they do I still manage to rethink how it should have been. The ridiculous part of this is that I'm actually quite happy right now. Cheerful even, but I still wake up crying some mornings and want nothing more than to spend several weeks just sleeping. I throw up half of what I eat, not because I am intentionally throwing up my food and not because I've got the flu, just for no reason or because I'm stressed out. True, I don't know what I'm going to do with my life, but I have a well paying job and I'm not homeless and I have a boyfriend who loves me and wants to take care of me. Where's the stress? There are just so many really dumb (not all of them are dumb) things that make me so angry or sad, I can't figure it out.

I don't remember where I was going with this so I'm just going to stop and maybe come back to it later.   I feel like I should apologize for writing this

Welcome to the Oscars....

Billy Crystal was there but wasn't hosting. WTF
         The time he was on stage was easily the best part of the night,
         though Kirk Douglas was also pretty awesome.
Anne Hathaway on some crazypants uppers? WTF
         I get it, you're hosting the Oscars, it's a big deal but seriously
         you totally ruined it for yourself by not being able to settle
         the fuck down. It was just awkward.
On the other hand you had a seemingly stoned James Franco
         ...dressed briefly as Marilyn Monroe, WTFranco.
         I don't think he made a single facial expression. It was like
         watching a Nicolas Cage movie (AKA extremely bland).

I wish I could say that they ended up balancing each other out but it was just like watching one of those car accidents where no damage is actually done to either car but the drivers are still yelling at each other. Confusing, awkward and a little irritating. As a friend of mine accidentally suggested, Snooki could have done a better job hosting, or if not better, at least it would have been funny to watch her make an ass out of her shameless self.

As for the actual awards, I have no complaints. Inception managed to be the movie to take home the most awards, so that was an exciting surprise.  Natalie Portman got her well-deserved Oscar. She essentially played two characters in a physically and emotionally taxing role and I can't think of any single other person that could have done what she did in that part.  I don't care what people say about Annette Benning "deserving" it.  Just because you've been nominated a certain number of times doesn't entitle you to get one honorarily, especially when your movie was just ohk.  Loved the message and the screenplay just thought that Mark Ruffalo and the kids were the best part (but that might be because I'm a bit biased against Julianne Moore, I just don't like her).  If anyone else should have come close to beating Natalie Portman, it should have been Michelle Williams, because what she did in Blue Valentine was beautiful.  I think all the other awards were pretty much givens, though I can't ever guess the documentary ones (and I actually do watch them, mostly).

Next year, please, please, please, bring back someone who's actually funny and entertaining without a specified script, and this is coming from someone who really enjoys both James Franco and Anne Hathaway as actors.

it is a VERY big deal

I am both inspired and appalled by the stories I've been reading and hearing about lately about kids that are killing themselves after emotional bullying leaves them with no reason left to live. This strikes all kinds of nerves in me, and they very contradictory, which makes me uncomfortable.

I had already heard about the death of the young gay boy who killed himself after near constant torment by bullies as well as a few other young people who were driven to do the same by bullies when I happened upon an article in Cosmopolitan Magazine that featured a young girl who was "bullied to death".  My first thought was "Wow, how is it that kids keep getting meaner?" But after I read the article, I stunned myself after thinking, "Nope, sounds the same to me."  I immediately felt guilty for thinking what I was thinking but I also felt angry. I was angered by people's intolerance and general ignorance (those are two things that make me the most furious in this world) but I was also angry because I hate suicide. I hate it, a life is simply not worth just throwing away. I don't care who calls you a slut or a retard or whatever other slur you want, killing yourself is NEVER the answer. Only cowards take the easy way out.  This sounds awful and completely unsympathetic which why I felt so incredibly guilty but when you've been able to see first-hand (and multiple times) the damage that is caused by suicide, it is only too easy to come to the conclusion that it truly is never worth it. Never. I'm sorry, the end.

You're probably thinking, woah, what a heartless bitch, what the hell does she know, blah blah blah. Let me tell you. When I was in high school I knew four different families who lost people to suicide. One of the people that died was my friend, another was a friend's mother. Killing yourself can ruin other people's lives completely.  It is horrible that someone can feel so badly and so alone that they want to end it but I can't imagine any situation in which a person is truly alone.  There is always someone who needs you. Maybe you don't believe that but before you take drastic action try and remember that you can have a future. Being tormented now doesn't mean you will be later. You have the choice to let the pain your feeling make you strong instead of weak. If you truly feel you don't have someone to turn to, I implore you to find an outlet. Write, draw, paint, learn to kick box, take up running, pray, whatever, just find something, anything, that you can put your energy into and throw all your pain into that. It will get better someday.  I know because I was bullied from the first friends I made all the way until I graduated college and it still haunts but I believe that I am better for it. I can know now that they're the ones who are weak and they can't hurt me unless I let them. Please find something to believe in, your life is worth so much more than giving up.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."  - Eleanor Roosevelt

Still not buying it...

I don't know why this irritates me so much but the new T-Mobile girl makes me want to throw something at my TV.  Every single time ANY of those ads come on, I change the channel immediately, and sometimes I boo a little at my TV (just a little because loud booing at anything on television apart from sports would just be a little weird and maybe a bit awkward). I'm sure my dislike is in part because I've been a loyal Verizon customer since I was in 11th grade (I'm almost 23 now, that's about 7 years, for the mathematically challenged) and I never plan on changing. In all honesty, I still have a normal phone instead of a miniature computer but if I wanted a smart phone, I would go for one of the Androids that Verizon has. So the latest T-Mobile slander ad that now incorporates Verizon bothers me even more.  I hate to be the bearer of bad news to T-Mobile and their annoying new spokeswoman (they didn't bother me nearly as much when their spokeswoman was Catherine Zeta Jones) but even if they are actually faster than Verizon and ATT, no one gives a crap because even with faster 4G, you're still going to need service to use it, and as an ex-T-Mobile customer, I know that you won't get much service with T-Mobile.  I find it highly amusing that of the three wireless companies mentioned, the only one who doesn't try to directly slander another company is Verizon. My guess is that that's because even if their service is a few microseconds behind ATT, with Verizon you always have some service, that's not true with the other companies. Just a thought brought on by an obnoxious girl in a pink dress.

the grass is always greener...

I have a very dirty habit.  I love reading magazines; Cosmo, Glamour, Allure, Vogue, InStyle, you name it.  Fashion magazines are my guilty pleasure.  Truthfully, it's actually that fashion is my guilty pleasure, but since I don't have the money to actually indulge for myself, instead I choose to torture myself by looking through magazine after magazine and fantasizing about what could be, someday, maybe.  Now this is all harmless and fine except that almost every time I open one of these magazines there is a section for dressing your body type. I hate these sections. Yes there is a petite section, and I am petite, but I'm not really petite because I'm also curvy, but I'm not really curvy because I just have big boobs. Everything else is pretty small. This is never a section in any magazine. There's a Curvy section (sometimes called Hourglass) but I have no hips so it doesn't apply, so I'm definitely not pear shaped, but I'm also definitely not boyish (I'm still not even sure what exactly that means), nor am I plus-sized so I can't go with either of those, which leaves me with Petite, but they expect petite girls to be flat-chested so it rarely works out. Not to mention, Curvy and Hourglass aren't even options some of the time. I say BOO!