I had a really truly wonderful childhood. My parents love me unconditionally and they really believe in me, not the average parents telling their kids they can do anything bit, they really truly believe that I can do or be anything I want to, which incidentally makes me feel perpetually disappointed in myself for not being anything great. I had (and still have) a great relationship with my brothers. The point is, I was loved and supported and well-fed and I am incredibly grateful for that but for some reason I am selfish enough for that not to be enough.
I regularly hate myself. Mostly for no reason, or when there is a reason it's extremely dumb. I lie all of the time, about really stupid, pointless things, like what food I eat and my favorite color. I play conversations that I had weeks, months and years ago out in my mind repeatedly and try to think of ways I could have made them better or mean more. I don't know why. Even in moments, there's what's really going on and being said and then there's the things that are happening and being said in my mind, reality and my fabrications of what I wish the reality were rarely and almost never align, and when they do I still manage to rethink how it should have been. The ridiculous part of this is that I'm actually quite happy right now. Cheerful even, but I still wake up crying some mornings and want nothing more than to spend several weeks just sleeping. I throw up half of what I eat, not because I am intentionally throwing up my food and not because I've got the flu, just for no reason or because I'm stressed out. True, I don't know what I'm going to do with my life, but I have a well paying job and I'm not homeless and I have a boyfriend who loves me and wants to take care of me. Where's the stress? There are just so many really dumb (not all of them are dumb) things that make me so angry or sad, I can't figure it out.
I don't remember where I was going with this so I'm just going to stop and maybe come back to it later. I feel like I should apologize for writing this
