Let the Sun Shine in...

So as crazy screwed up and messy as my life may be right now, there is a very bright light that floods my life.  In case you were wondering, no, I did not find god and get all religious.  However, something almost just as unlikely is the cause of my love for life regardless of financial failure, a complete loss of any idea of what I want my career to be, confusion about what I believe in, fights with my family and the most unhealthy months of my life.

I am in love, and I am loved. 

The guy makes me feel like no matter what things will be ohk.  Stupidly, I still manage to feel a little uncomfortable with the realization that I rely on him, but since I've always been independent and essentially lonely I guess it's to be expected.  It's scary to think that right now, without him I honestly don't know what I would do.  Needing someone is possibly the scariest thing I've ever been through, even with the idea that I have no future looming over my head.

A coworker of mine told me the other day that just to have a guy who wants to be there for you and support you and take care of you is amazing and that through all my fear I should remember that the most important thing is what a rare thing it is to have someone like him. I thought that was a beautiful thing she said and it resonated for me, so I guess that helped me let go of my doubt and my stubborn attitude toward being taken care of. 

Now all the bad things seem sort of minor (even though most of it isn't) and suddenly everything seems easier to take in because when I talk to him about what I'm going through he talks about how "we" will get through it. 

That is an amazing feeling.  Terrifying, but amazing.


 "A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave." - Gandhi

Keep on dreamin'

A lot of people have the problem that their parents won't or can't get behind what they want in life and they struggle to make their parents believe in them and what they are doing. On the other hand, my parents may believe in me too much. I always thought how lucky am I to have parents that are so supportive and proud to have me as a child, but now I'm questioning that. Maybe their support gave me too much reign to follow whatever dream I had at the time not what my true dream was or maybe they weren't honest with me because they had to see how indecisive I was. 

I didn't decide on what I went to school for until halfway through my senior year of high school and chose something with no wiggle room to study other things while I was in school.  Before I decided "Oh, I know, I'll just be an actor", I thought I wanted to go to school for Photography and/or art history and before that it was interior design and I've always wanted to study archeology. At one point I wanted to be a homicide detective and an event planner and a writer or an illustrator.  Now that I have graduated from an extremely focused and defined program for acting, I have no idea what I want to do anymore and all of these old ideas of things I wanted to accomplish are rushing back into my current dreams.

So now what? with the economy that I got the privilege to graduate into, I don't exactly have the option to just test things out until I find the right one because it's such a challenge to get any kind of job.

On a (much) lighter note..

So I've been writing a lot lately. Not here so much, but just in general. And I must say, I like it. However, I keep getting part way through a storyline and then starting a new one, much like when I paint or try to knit things or attempt to figure out what I want to do with my life... Whoops.

So maybe I just need to start finishing some of the littler things I start and move up from there?

Life as you know it... sorta

So I've come to a conclusion. I sorta know what I want to do with my life, which is pretty cool I guess.  I want to run an art gallery some day. That or I want to go to school for Broadcasting. Either way I probably have to go back to school, and I have no means to do that so I guess that I'm going to have to keep trying to find a job that makes it so I can support myself and hopefully save some money. 

Here's hoping I guess, I mean in the past three months I've sent out over 300 cover letters and resumes and I have gotten two responses. TWO. The first was for a job that turned out to be so part time that I'd have to keep the job I currently have, so that would defeat the purpose anyway.  The second might work out, it's being a nanny and I'm good at that but the only work experience that gives me is for more nannying which isn't something I want to make a career of.  At least it's money?

I don't know. 

I can't decide whether I'd rather scrimp and starve and try and go back to school or if I just try to scrimp and starve and work at a job I hate. I hate not having my independence. Nothing is worse. I can barely take care of myself. actually scratch that, I can't take care of myself, mostly my boyfriend just takes care of me.

I have never been so lost or for that matter, I've never been so disappointed in myself before, I can't even begin to imagine how my parents must feel. Well shit, maybe I'm just screwed.

Well that was depressing. Cheers.

Well here goes nothing...

So I created this blog almost a month ago and I have yet to actually write any posts. Partly because I wasn't sure where I was going with this and partly because I kept meaning to write things but then forgot and did something else instead. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that the forgetting or getting distracted is going to happen a lot.

Anyway, I'm Jane and I'm pretty much a big hot mess most of the time so I thought that I'd write about it.

So here's my question, I graduated, so now what?  Don't tell my mom or she'd actually (and I mean this with all seriousness) kill me, not that I could really blame her, but I don't think I want to be an actor.  A big part of the reason I don't want to act anymore is that the schedule sucks and I don't want to spend my life working in a restaurant but really it's that even though actually being on stage and performing or being in front of the camera acting is awesome (sometimes), mostly it just makes me a crazy person.  It just hurts too much to be on an emotional roller coaster all the time, so I've decided that I'm done. Potentially a very stupid decision but plenty of people end up with careers doing things they didn't go to school for, right? Or at least that's what my boyfriend keeps telling me. I'm not all that sure I believe him though. 

I guess I have a lot of thinking to do about what I want my future to be...